Drowning in guilt
by Buggziegrl101
Summary: Ponyboy has been feeling responsible for Johnny and Dally's deaths. He listens to the voices in his head who tell him to do horrible things to himself. Will the gang be able to save him before it's too late?
1. It's all my fault

**Disclaimer: I do not own the outsiders. It belongs to S.E. Hinton! I only own a few characters. This fan fiction includes themes of drugs, depression, suicidal thoughts, self harm. If you do not do well when it comes to reading theses types of things I suggest you exit right now. You have been warned.**

_It's your fault!_

_You killed Johnny and Dally!_

_They hate your guts!_

_Kill yourself._

_You deserve to die_

These are the things that come to my mind everyday. Only thing is I am being told these things. I have voices in my head. I know what you're thinking. I'm crazy. Well, I guess I am.

Johnny and Dally have been dead for four months now. It was after their funerals when I started to hear these voices. They tell me to do things to myself...horrible things. They tell me to take things Darry and Soda would not approve of. I listen to the voices all the time.

I cut. Whenever I think about the time Darry hit me and I ran away, and I took Johnny with me, I go into the bathroom, get my switchblade, and cut. I've been cutting for three months. I love it. I deserve it. It's my punishment for killing everyone. The scars start from the very beginning of my wrist and go all the way up to my shoulder. I always wear long sleeves to cover them. It's like cutting is my hobbie. A joy. Yeah, I'm a freak.

As for drugs: I've smoked grass and joints and crack, popped pills, snorted cocaine and crystal meth, and anything else you can think of. I almost overdosed once. I guess I would be considered a drug addict.

For girls, though, I'm still not really into them. I went out with Cherry for a little while, but it didn't feel like anything. Maybe it's because I'm fourteen and I don't know what love feels like.

The voices tell me things all the time. They told me I'm fat, I'm a loser, a slut, a murderer. All these are true. I don't eat. All my body is, is skin, bone, scars, and a tiny bit of muscle. I have muscular arms and a muscular back,but the rest is all bone.

I shook my head of all my emotions and walked tot he bathroom. Inside the cabinet was my switchblade. I hide it under the rolls of toilet paper. It was stained with blood. I at down and turned on the faucet. I placed the blade on a vein on my wrist that has not been cut yet. I'm surprised I was able to find one. I slide the knife down. It hurt for a little while. The blood came rushing out. I did it to my whole arm. Blood covered it. I rinsed my blood off my arm then wrapped it in toilet paper. Once it was done bleeding I went to my room. I laid on the bed and cried. If I had one wish it would be to go back to the night I ran away. I wouldn't bring Johnny with me so Bob could drown me. That would be a dream come true.

_He still would be alive if you would have done that, you stupid little whore! If you would have ran away on your own and show a little bit of bravery you would be dead! Everyone's dream come true! You're worthless Ponyboy Michael Curtis! _The voice told me.

''I already know that,'' I said out loud. I tried to fall asleep but it wouldn't come. I heard the front door open. I knew someone was home.

''Soda, you 'ere?'' It was Steve. Soda was working late. I'm shocked Steve didn't see him there. Where else would he have gone? I don't know. Steve is something else.

''Buddy?'' he called again. I pretended to be asleep. I heard him come into my room.

_Please go away, _I thought.

_How about you show him what a coward you are! _the voice said.

'' 'At's with all the blood?'' Steve asked himself. Crap! I must have left a little trace behind.

''Kid's probably on his period,'' I heard Steve joke. I heard the voice laugh. I felt Steve get real close by me. ''You're such a faker,'' he said before shaking me. Damn, how did he know? Out of everyone he seems to know when I'm serious and when I'm joking. It's real weird.

''What?'' I asked tiredly.

''Where's Soda?''

''Workin'.''

''He wasn't at the DX.''

''I don't really know where he'd be.''

''Well he better hurry. Were're goin' to the rodeo.'' Steve glared at me. ''Are you gunna tag -along?'' he asked in a deadly voice. He was getting on my nerves.

''Can't. I have plans.''

''Thank God. A night without the kid.''

''Finally, a night without the asshole,'' I said. He looked as if he were about to punch me. I was right. He raised his fists but quickly put them down when he took a closer look at my body.

''Kid, aren't ya gettin' a lil' skinny?''

I looked at my body. I was a bag of bones, not doubt, but I liked it. The voices liked it.

_He's only joking. You're a lard ass and you know it. Stevie can't help you._

''No.''

''Look I don't have time for this. Go to McDonald's at get a double cheeseburger or somethin','' Steve said before leaving.

_Don't listen to him Pony, only listen to me. That grease ball doesn't know what he's talking about. He'll get you even fatter._

''I know.''

I got out of bed and looked int he mirror. I looked horrible. My bleached blond hair was still short and was falling out a little. Boy I look horrible with short hair. I had dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep. My face was sunken in. The only thing that looked good was my eyes. They were a dark gray color. Not even the slightest bit of green. I liked it.

I went back to my room and fell asleep with the voices laughing at me.

After I woke up Darry and Soda were home. It was still early and that new Paul Newman movie was still playing so I grabbed my jacket, told them I would be gone,and left.


	2. Movie hook up

I was watching probably the best Paul Newman movie ever. I was really getting into it. The fight scenes. For some reason I felt like going out and starting a fight. I've been feeling a lot like that lately. I'll go and pick a fight later. I looked around. There were only three people in the movie theater. Me and this one couple making out. I felt real sick just looking at them. I don't think I'll ever feel that way about someone

_Well duh, no one could ever love you_, the voice I called Leah told me. She was the meanest of all. She scares me.

''Is this seat taken?'' I heard a female voice ask. I looked up and saw a girl who wore dark clothing, blond, hair, heavy make up, and a piercing under her lip. Typical greaser girl.

''No.''

''Cool'' She sat next to me. I didn't want her. She scooted closer and closer to me.

''I'm Clarissa. Who is ya?''

''I'm Ponyboy Curtis.''

''Oh yeah, you were in the paper.''

''Yeah.'' I felt like throwing up after she told me that.

''The whole thing was my fault.''

''What do ya mean?''

''I killed 'em. I'm a murderer.''

''No you're not. It was that Johnny kid, and some Bob douche started it. You didn't do nothin'.''

''T-thanks.'' I hated her. She was asking me all kinds of questions I didn't want to answer. She was really making me mad. I tried to get up, but she stopped me.

''Come on, don't go. We were just talkin'.'' When I sat down she put her hand on my leg. I didn't want her touching me. We watched the rest of the movie.

''You know you're really cute.'' I started to blush. A girl had never called me cute before.

_Please, she's only saying that so she can get some. She don't want you, you slut _Leah told me.

''Thanks.''

'' I love your blond hair,'' she said then moved her hands through my hair. I was really uncomfortable.

''Pony, are you shy?''

''Kind of.'' She moved her hand to my thigh. That little bitch then puckered up her lips and moved closer to me. I didn't want to kiss her. It would be like kissing Angela Shepard with all that lipstick. If she wanted a kiss so bad, I'll giver her such an aggressive kiss she'll leave me alone. I grabbed her hair and threw her face into mine. Our lips crashed onto each other's. I stuck my tongue down her throat. She was biting my bottom lip. I grabbed her ass and she put her hand on my dick. We were kissing for what seemed like forever. I removed my hand from her ass then put it on her boob. I don't know why I was doing this. I never thought I would make out with a girl like this. To be honest I was enjoying it.

We finally broke the of us were breathing heavily. Then I said something I thought I would never say to a girl.

''You're my girl now.''

''Fuck yeah I am,'' she said huskily. We kissed again for ten seconds before she left. We gave each other our numbers.

_Of course you gave her your number! You are a whore after all_ Leah spoke again. I tried to ignore it but it was really hard.

When I got home the whole gang was watching TV. Two-Bit looked at me and grinned.

''Pony scored! Look at the lipstick on his face!'' he yelled. Everyone looked at me. They all laughed.

''Ponyboy finally got a gal, damn,'' Steve said in a mocking tone.

''My baby brother finally has a girlfriend. I'm so proud,'' Soda said pretending to wipe tears from his eyes.

''You better use your head,'' Darry told me in an angry voice.

''Yeah,'' I said then went to the bathroom and grabbed my razor. I cut for a little while then went to sleep scratching the cuts. They were really itchy tonight.

_That's good, cut yourself and bleed to death. You deserve it you know. You shouldn't have been acting like a slut and messing with a Soc's girlfriend._

''I know Leah,'' I said before falling asleep. I cried myself to sleep. I do every night.


	3. School house blues

I was sleeping peacefully that morning for a little while. Then I heard footsteps come into my room. I felt someone put their hands on my shoulder and shake me.

''Kid wake up!'' it was Steve.

''Huh, why?''

''I don't know. I just thought you should be goin' to school,'' he responded sarcastically.

''Okay.''

''Hurry up now. Two-Bit wanted to skip so it's just gunna be me and you in the car.''

I didn't respond. If me and Steve are in a room alone together for a long time that could be bad. When he left I got dressed quickly then went into he car.

The ride to school was pretty silent, until Steve started asking questions.

''So when I went in your room today and yesterday their was a strong smell of blood. Do you know what that was?''

''No.''

''You sure?''

''I, well I-I had a nose bleed and it got on the floor.''

''Honest?'' he asked me. I felt my stomach turn. Did Steve know?

''Yeah.''

When he pulled up to the school he looked me dead in the eye.

''You're up to somethin', and I'm gunna figure out what.'' I nodded and quickly left the car. I was scared. I hate it when Steve plays detective.

Class was really boring. The teacher asked all kinds of questions I didn't know the answer too.

''Curtis, who were the Harlem Hell Fighters?''

''The newest McDonald's employees,'' I said. She glared at me and the whole class started laughing.

''Curtis since you want to be the funny one I'll give you an essay to write. Due tomorrow.''

''Yes ma'm.''

I spent the rest of the time in that class with my trap shut. I've already had enough detentions in the past four months.

When I went of find Steve for lunch period I was stopped by a bunch of Socs in the hall.

''Hey ain't this the lil' greaser's friend who killed Bob?'' he asked to his friends. They all said yes.

''David, go somewhere. No one wants you,'' I told him.

_Right, he's the one no one wants. Don't blame others for your crime!_ Leah shouted.

''Don't get mouthy.'' Behind him a figure was coming. It was wearing a leather jacket and blue torn up jeans.

''Get away from him, David.'' David turned around only to get punched my Randy.

''Hey! What the fuck Randy?'' Are ya gunna turn your back on us?''

''I've had enough of you. If I ever see you hurtin' Pony again I'll make it even worse.'' They all left.

''Thanks.''

''No problem Pony.'' Randy turned around and walked up to some greaser girl.

Steve was waiting by his truck. We hopped int hen went to greaser heaven.

''What took so long?''

''I was stopped by Socs.''

He grumbled to himself for a little while.

''Hey, is it true you made out with Clarissa Maxwell?''

''Yeah, why?''

''Just wonderin'. Whole thing is goin' 'round school.''

''Wonderful.''

When we pulled up I got out and lit a cigarette. Steve went to try to score a date. Sure as shit Clarissa was walking out. Steve looked at her then turned his head to me.

''Hi Pony,'' she said then kissed me.

''Hey.''

''How's your day?''

''Okay I guess.''

''Wanna come over later?''

''I don't know. Maybe.''

We talked for a little while. The other voice, who I call Aidan, started talking.

_Please. Yo two will talk for a little while then start fucking. You know that's going to happen. You'll probably let it, whore!_ I tried to shake my head of the voices calling me names. Clarissa and me made out again for a little while then she left. Steve came out with a number in his hand. The drive back to school was pure silence.

I was in my last period class. I hated it the most because I sit by the girl I hate more than anything, Alexis Taylor. She was so fucking annoying. All she did was talk. In my opinion she needs to stop talking...and breathing.

''Did you and Clarissa really make out?''

''Alexis, don't talk to me.''

''I was just askin'.''

''Well you can stop.''

She didn't bother me for the rest of the day, thank God. Steve drove me home. I did my homework then sneaked out to go to Clarissa's house. I ignored the voices telling me bad things would happen. I could use those kinds of things.


	4. Bad actions turn into bad decisions

When I got to Clarissa's house she was on her bed smoking a joint. When she saw me she got up and kissed me.

''Hey babe,'' she said in a high and real unnatural voice.

''Hi. Whatcha doin'?''

''Smokin' you want some?'' When she handed me the joint I took a deep inhale of it.

''Easy! You can't smoke that much.''

''Don't worry.''

We started kissing again. She ran her hands through my hair and I touched her body. I was really stoned and wasn't thinking straight, so I took off my shirt and exposed my scars to her.

''Oh my God!'' She yelled. I put my shirt back on and ran tot he bathroom. I couldn't believe I just showed her I cut. She thinks I'm crazy and a freak. What if she tells everyone?

_You deserve it for not using your head_, Aidan told me. I believed it. Clarissa walked through the bathroom door and sat by me.

''Pony, I-I didn't know you cut.''

''I didn't want you to. Now you think I'm a freak.''

''No I don't. You know why?''

I shook my head. She started rolling up her sleeves. Big, bloody scars ran up and down her arms. She cut too.

''I do it too, Pony. You're not alone.''

''I didn't know. I never thought you would do it.''

''Pony believe it or not my life isn't picture perfect. My parents fight and abuse me, I don't have any real friends. I got nothin' to live for.''

''Neither do I.''

''Life sucks, doesn't it?''

''Yeah.''

_Don't listen to her Pony! She just wants things from you. Why would she want to be with you for love? You're unlovable!_ I started crying when Aidan told me that. Clarissa put her arm around me.

''It's okay, Pony.''

''Clarissa, I'm thinkin' 'bout killin' myself. I have nothin'. I deserve it. I killed Johnny and Dally. It's my punishment.''

''Pony please don't talk like that. You can't kill yourself.''

''I want to.''

**Clarissa Pov**

I was holding Ponyboy. I felt real sorry for him. He felt the whole Johnny and Dally situation was his fault. It wasn't. I was really shocked to find out Pony cuts. I never knew he would take it that far. He was crying really hard.

''Ponyboy everything's alright.''

''It's my fault. They told me.''

''Who?''

''Leah and Aidan.''

''Who are they?''

''The voices.''

''Pony, I think you're high. Just take few deep breaths.'' He exhaled and inhaled. He did take a really big drag on that weed cigarette. That's probably what he's talking about. We walked into my room. He was finally calm.

''You okay now?''

''Yeah, I think so.''

I kissed him and he kissed back. I really liked Ponyboy. I don't think it's love, but it's pretty strong. We looked at each other for a little while. He took of is shirt and unzipped his jeans. I did the same. What we did will haunt me forever.

**Ponyboy Pov**

I laid beside Clarissa and panted. I couldn't believe what I just did. I'm only fourteen and no longer a virgin. I looked at Clarissa. She even looked a little shocked at our action.

''Pony, do you think we did the right thing?'' she asked.

''No, not really.''

''We can't tell anyone.''

''I know.''

I got up and dressed myself. Clarissa did the same. I gave her a quick kiss goodbye and left. I felt real guilty.

_The slut strikes again. Fourteen and a non-virgin. Way to go,_ Leah told me. I brushed it off and ran home. When I walked through the front door Darry was waiting in his recliner. I knew I was past my curfew. I prepared myself for the yelling that was going to come.


	5. If only they knew

Darry put his newspaper down and walked over to me.

''Pony, I'll ask you once, calmly. Where were you?'' asked me in a real placid tone. I had to think of something fast.

''I went to the Dingo for a little while. Afterwards I went to the vacant lot and fell asleep.''

''Funny, 'cause when Steve wen't to look for you he said you weren't there.''

''I was sleeping in the woods.''

''What woods?''

''...''

''Pony I'll ask again. Where the hell were you! Don't lie to me!

''I- I went to Clarissa's house to work on a project. We got really tired and fell asleep. I woke up in her living room.''

''Ponyboy Curtis I swear to God if you did anything with her I'll hang you.''

''I didn't.''

''Okay. Go to bed.'' I went to my room. To my surprise Steve was sitting on my bed. Soda was asleep.

''Look who came home.''

''What are you doin' 'ere?''

''Kid I know you. You lied to Darry right through your teeth. What did you do there? ''

I didn't answer him.

''You can either tell me or you can tell Darry. Who knows, maybe if you come clean to me I won't say nothin'.''

''You promise.''

''Depends on what it is.''

''Well I did go over there, and we were smokin' for a little while, then we... we had sex.''

''Kid, you only fourteen! What the hell!'' Soda woke up to that.

''Pony, you're home! Were were you?''

Steve looked at Soda then at me.

''He was at his friend's house.'' Steve left the room. I heard him taking to Darry.

''Look Dar, don't wake the kid up to early, he's really tired from workin' on that thing with his friend.''

''You sure.''

''Positive.''

''Okay, thanks Steve.'' I couldn't believe my ears, Steve Randle covering for me! This must be a dream.

''Pony what's goin' on?''

''Nothin'. Darry just wanted to know where I was.''

''So did I.''

''I'm gunna go to sleep now.''

''Night, Pony.''

At about two o'clock in the morning I heard a knock on my bedroom window. When I looked to see who it was, Clarissa was standing there. I opened the window.

''What are ya doin' 'ere at this hour?''

''I gotta tell ya somethin'.''

''What?''

''Come out 'ere.'' I crawled through the window and followed her tot he backyard.

''I gotta tell ya somethin'.''

''Okay, what is it?'' She started to cry. Something came to my head.

''You're not...pregnant, are you?''

''What! No, nothin' like that.''

''Are you sure?''

''Pony! I just got my period two hours ago.''

''A little too much information.''

''Well, you um, left your boxers at my house and my parents found 'em.''

I started to blush. I didn't even realize I wasn't wearing boxers until she said that.

''Oh shit.''

''My parents said there're gunna call your brother's some time today.'' My stomach did back flips.

''Are you serious?''

''Yeah.''

''Clarissa, I'm so sorry. It's my fault.''

_Wow, you fucked up someone else's life. Everywhere you go you cause some kind of depression, _Aidan told me. I agreed with him.

''Pony we both did it. It's not all your fault.''

''Yes it is. I left the underwear. Man why can't I do nothin' right?''

''Well my parents are probably up. I'm sorry I had to tell ya.''

''That's alright. At least there's no kid involved.''

''Yeah.'' She left and I went back int he house and tried to fall asleep, but sleep never came.

The school day went by real slow. I decided to walk home. When I got home I was surprised to see Darry and Soda home. Soda looked disappointed and Darry looked real pissed off.

''Pony, get your ass in this kitchen'', Darry ordered. When I sat down he looked me right in the eye.

''Clarissa's parents called.''

''Shit.''

''I asked you what you did over there and you lied right to my face! How the fuck am I supposed to trust you again?''

''First, let's get some real important things out of the way, did you use a condom?'' Soda asked.

''No.''

''What! Ponyboy what if she's pregnant?''

''She isn't. She already told me.''

''Let me tell you somethin' kid you've really changed. Goin' 'round doin' drugs, sleepin' with girls. What else?'' Darry screamed.

''You don't know 'at I'm goin' through!''

''Pony ya ain't the only one who lost 'em.''

''Well you weren't the cause of their deaths! I yelled then ran out of the room and the house. I ignored them yelling after me. If only they knew what I was really going through.


	6. Secret exposed

I ran to the lot. Once I got here I went over by the fountain, the very spot where Johnny killed Bob. I dropped to my knees and cried.

_Oh what a shock, baby is crying again_,'' Leah said in a real nasty voice.

''Leah, why does Darry hate me?''

_Why wouldn't he hate you? You're not only a slut, fatty, bitch, murderer, loser, but your also a coward. If you wouldn't have run out when Darry hit you everyone would still be alive. It's because you didn't take it like a man. You're a disappointment, Ponyboy._

''How can I fix it? I need your help.''

_There's a real busy road close by. Do it, Pony. Jump in front of a car and kill yourself. That's_ how_ everything will be fixed._

I wiped away my tears and got up. I made my way over tot he busy street Leah told me about. I was walking for about ten minutes when I saw it. It was real busy. I walked up to it. There was a big semi truck coming towards me. I walked into the road and sat there. The horns of the truck were blaring. I ignored it and stood there crying.

''Pony no!'' I heard Soda yell. Then I felt him run up behind me and grab a hold of me. He threw us out of the way. The truck went flying right past were I was standing.

''Pony what were you tryin' to do?'' Soda asked with tears in his eyes. I didn't answer. He picked me up and carried me home.

''You found 'im!'' Two-Bit yelled happily.

''Soda, where was he?'' Darry asked. Steve just looked at me. I saw a hint of worry in his eyes.

Soda went in our room and set me down on the bed. I heard the whole conversation.

''Guys, Ponyboy tried to kill himself. He was standing in the middle of the road waiting for a semi truck to hit 'im.''

''What? No, not Pony. He wouldn't.'' Darry said.

''Soda are you sure?'' Steve asked with a crack in his voice.

''Yeah.''

''What's wrong with 'im?''

''I don't know. He's been acting out of character. Sleeping with some girl, taking drugs, and God only knows what else.''

They were all in the living room. I got up and sneaked into the bathroom. I grabbed my blade and cut everywhere. Making new scars and cutting open old ones. I ignored the pain. I was so busy in this I didn't even notice Steve standing int he door way until I looked up.

''Pony, oh God, it is true.'' Steve was even crying. He ripped the blade out of my hands and put in his pocket. He then picked me up and carried me into the living room.

''Guys, I caught 'im cutting himself.'' They all looked at me wide eyed. I knew it was over so I rolled up my sleeves and showed them. Every single fucking scar. Blood was getting everywhere. Soda threw up, Steve cried, Two-Bit was holding his hands to his mouth. Darry picked me up and took me tot he bathroom. He closed the door and washed up my arms.

''Pony, why?''

''I deserve it.''

''What are ya talkin' 'bout?''

''Johnny and Dally are my faults! I killed 'em. I should be dead, not them! I wish I was dead!'' Darry gave me a deadly loom then slapped me right int he face.

''Ponyboy Michael Curtis! You do deserve life! I never want to hear you say that again!'' he yelled.

''Think 'bout it. I ran into the church, Johnny died to save me. Dally died 'cause Johnny died. Johnny killed Bob 'cause I acted like the slut I am and messed with his girl!''

''Pony, you had nothin' to do with that.'' I didn't talk after that. Darry wrapped my arms up then put me back into the living room. Two-Bit spoke not a word.

''Come on, Two-Bit, say somethin' funny,'' I begged.

''Kid, there ain't nothin' funny 'bout this.'' Soda was crying his eyes out.

_Look at what you did to your family! You don't deserve them._ I just sat there.

''Well, anyone?'' I asked. They all looked at me, a sick look on their faces because I was trying to make a joke out of this. To my absolute astonishment, Steve Randle, the guy who hated me, thought of me as nothing more than a tag-along, hugged me. Everyone was wide eyed. I knew this was serious by then.

''Kid,'' Steve started, ''you gotta stop. If you don't you'll end up dead. None of us wants that,'' he said still hugging me.

''Guys, I need help. I think I'm addicted to hurtin' myself.''

''Were're gunna get ya help.''

After talking with everyone I fell asleep. I actually felt better knowing everyone knows and is going to try and help me. For once in the past four months I felt calm and peaceful.


	7. A day of laughs

**So I have decided to make a real funny chapter. This may be a bit dirty. If you don't enjoy that kind of humor, do NOT read this chapter.**

I woke up feeling queezy the next morning. When I got up and walked into the kitchen Darry was up and already making breakfast.

''Hey Pony.''

''Hi Dar.''

''Are ya hungry?''

My stomach growled. I was real hungry, I couldn't remember the last time I ate anything.

_No, no Pony. No food for the horse. Have you not learned? Wow you're sure are really dumb, _Leah said. Let me tell you something, this bitch is starting to piss me off.

''Leah, suck my dick,'' I said really loud. Darry heard.

''What?''

''Nothin' I'm just blurtin' stuff out.''

Steve and Two-Bit walked through he front door. ''That's what he wants his girlfriend to do,'' Two-Bit said. I threw a bag of bananas at him.

''He's back,'' Steve said.

''I guess he is.''

I sat down and ate my breakfast really fast. After that I got dressed for school. On the way to school Two-Bit and Steve talked my ear off.

''You sure you okay? Haven't cut, have you?''

''No. I haven't.''

''Good boy.''

''He ain't a dog, Two-Bit.''

''Yes he is.''

I laughed a little. We were having so much fun I didn't even realize we pulled in front of the school. They went to their lockers and I went to mine. Reading was my fist period class. I sat with Mark, Curly, Bryon, Terry, and a bunch of other kids. We made up this game where we'd yell 'penis' out loud.

''I'll be right back,'' the teacher said before leaving the room.

''PENIS!'' I yelled real loud. Mark, Curly, and Terry started to do it too. Bryon usually didn't get into that.

''Stop,'' Alexis said.

''Alexis, shut the fuck up,'' Curly told her. As much as I hate her I'll admit she's a tough girl. You could call her every name in the book and she wouldn't shed a tear. I liked that about girls.

''Curly, go fuck yourself,'' she snapped back. If you ask me I think she likes Curly. She's always giving him a look. She's a thirsty little bitch.

Before he could say something back the teacher came in the room. Everyone went quit and did their work. I think I forgot to mention I got another detention for saying, ''I wanna get that in bed,'' when the teacher showed us a picture of what the character in the book we were reading soon would look like.

After that I had math. The class where I sit next to Alexis. She was talking about her ex or something.

''Who the fuck would date you?'' I asked.

''Anyone I show my stuff too.'' I laughed once she said that. It was thing we had. I made fun of her, she said something smart back, and we both shared a laugh.

''You see Alexis, it's not just the fact I have a girlfriend, but you're like a drug ,so I say no.''

''But you say yes to drugs,'' she said with a smirk. I laughed out loud again. So did she. Maybe I don't hate her as much as I thought.

''So class,'' the teacher started, ''why does this need to be changed?'' We were learning about linear equations and how to change them. I had an answer. I was going to get a detention for it, but so what.

'' 'Cause it's a bad bitch,'' I said. The whole class started to laugh. I guess I didn't say it as loud as I though because the teacher didn't even hear. Alexis was laughing the rest of the period.

School today was real good. I didn't shed a single tear, Leah nor Aiden told me things that made me want to go home and kill myself. I gad a great day. Darry was pissed off about the detention, though. I didn't care. I did my homework then went on another date with Clarissa.


	8. My worst nightmare

I went to bed the moment I got home from Clarissa's. We didn't do much. We just talked, kissed, smoked weed, and fell asleep. Every time I go there I fall asleep or something. It was nine thirty. Soda was out with Steve and Two-Bit, Darry was out with friends, so that just left me alone to sleep.

I was able to sleep real well that night. I had a dream. I was at the hospital. When I looked down Johnny was laying on the hospital bed.

''Pony, come here. I gotta tell ya somethin','' Johnny said to me. I was amazed Johnny was alive again. I was over come with joy.

''Yeah, Johnnycakes.''

''Ponyboy, it's your fault. Why did I go with ya? Why did you take me? If you wouldn't have messed with Bob's girl I wouldn't be in this mess. If you wouldn't have rushed to save those kids, I would be alive! Hell, if I wasn't your friend my life would be perfect. You ruined my life, Ponyboy Curtis. You killed me!'' Johnny said before dying. My heart fell to my chest.

''I know it's my fault, Johnny. I'm sorry.''

''You should be. I hate ya! You're not golden, you're a useless whore!'' Johnny said then died. I heard the voices in my head laugh.

_We tried to tell you ,Ponyboy. It is your fault. Johnny told you himself. No one wants you. Your friends and family can fake it all they want! They hate you. They hate you for just being alive!_ Leah and Aidan both said.

''Shut up!'' I yelled. They started to chant.

_Ponyboy's a murder. Ponyboy's a murderer, _they sung over and over again. I ran out of the hospital and saw a bunch of cop cars. Dally was laying on the ground. I rushed over to him.

''Ponyboy- it's your fault. You took me and Johnny's lives, man. We'll get ya!'' Dally said then died. Is that what he would have said if he didn't die right away in the real world?

I saw a light come before me. Johnny and Dally were pointing at me.

''Your fault! Your fault!'' they screamed.

I woke up screaming bloody murder. Soda immediately woke up and Darry rushed to my room.

''Pony, it's okay,'' Soda mussed.

''No it's not. Oh God!'' I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom. I threw up all over the place.

''Dar, I think he's sick.''

''Yeah, I know Pepsi-Cola. He ain't goin' to school tomorrow. He stays home.''

''What 'bout work?''

''I'll take the day off.''

_Hear that you coward? Darry may lose his job because of you! Ruined another person's life._

I cried. Darry picked me up and brought me back to my room. They tried to get me to calm down, but I didn't.

''Pony it's okay.''

''No it ain't Soda. It was horrible.''

''It was just a dream. It's over now.''

I really wanted to listen to Soda when he said it was just a dream, only thing I knew it wan't. That was reality because Johnny and Dally wanted to say that to me. They didn't. I wish they would have so Leah and Aidan didn't have to. Then again they tell em the things I_ need_ to heard. Johnny and Dally would have been easy on me. I've had way too many people be easy on me.


	9. Clarissa's pain

When I woke up early that morning I felt real angry. I've woken up in a bad mood before, but this time I was livid for some reason I didn't know. I got out of bed and walked right out the door. I walked to Clarissa's house. Obviously I climbed up to her window so her parents wouldn't see me. I knocked real hard. She came to the window wearing only a towel.

''Pony, what are ya doin' 'ere?''

''Are your folks home?''

''No. They left. I don't know where they went but whenever they leave their gone for a while,'' she told me in a real sad voice. I went into her room.

''So why are ya here so early?''

''I really gotta talk to ya.''

'' 'Bout what?''

''Darry and Soda found out I cut, and I had a bad nightmare last night so I left. I just need to clear my head.''

''Okay.''

Seeing her in that towel gave me a weird feeling I don't usually get with girls. I tried to stop it, then the sweet and kind voices started talking.

_You're a teenage boy, Ponyboy. Just do her again. Might as well. She's the only girl who'll ever want anything to do with you._ I heard Aidan tell me.

I walked up to her and kissed her. I started from her lips then worked my way down to her neck. She moved her hands up and down my back.

''Clarissa, you wanna?''

''Sure.'' I took off her towel and then my cloths. We moved to her bed and did the deed that would get me grounded for life yet again.

I got into her shower and washed myself. I felt both satisfied and dirty. After all, according to Leah and Aidan, I'm a hoe so I might as well do things a hoe would do. I scrubbed my body. When I grabbed a towel Clarissa was in her room getting dressed. She looked like she was having a real time walking. I smiled a the though of it. She had red bite marks on her stomach, chest, and neck. I had them too.

''I gotta go, baby.''

''How 'bout you s-stay. It's already ten. Were're both late for school,'' she said in a shaky voice, like she was scared. I completely forgot it was a school morning.

''I gotta call my brothers. I'm gunna tell them ya sick or somethin'.''

''Okay.''

I picked up the phone and Darry answered.

''Where the fuck are ya, kid!''

''Look I went to Clarissa's to meet up with her on a project. She's real sick. I'm gunna stay with her all day.''

''Last time ya said that come to find out ya slept with her!''

''Darry she can hardly walk she's so sick. I'm gunna take care of her.''

''I swear if I find out-.''

''You won't,'' I hung up and went back to her room. She was really looking sick.

''Don't worry I got my boxers.''

''Pony, it hurt, real bad.''

''What?''

''You know...when you shoved your ding-a-ling in my special spot!'' she yelled. Did I really hurt her that bad?

''Clarissa, I'm sorry. Are you okay?''

''I think. I just need to lay down.''

I rubbed her back for her. I felt real guilty.

_Wow, you're on a role with hurting people and making them miserable, aren't you?_

I took a better look at Clarissa. She had burn marks on her back. It looked like someone jumped her or something.

''Clar, what's that on your back?''

She didn't answer. ''Clar?'' She started crying.

''Pony, these Socs jumped me. They burned me with their cigarettes and punched me. They almost raped me, but the cops came by.''

''Why didn't ya tell me?''

''You already have enough stuff to worry 'bout.'' I felt my blood boil. She was jumped!

''By who?''

''David.''

I got up.

''Ponyboy, where are ya goin'?''

''I'm gunna pay David a little visit. I'll be back later.'' When I walked out her door I grabbed my switchblade. I sure as hell was going to use it.


	10. Pony's revenge

I went to go find David. He jumped Clarissa. From the scars on her back he got her pretty good. I was gunna beat his ass for that. When I went to Buck's he was there at the bar, drinking.

''Hey David, I gotta bone to pick with ya.''

''What do ya want, grease?'' I punched him so hard he fell off the stool. I picked him up by the collar of his madras shirt.

''You fucked with my girl, so I'm gunna fuck with you,'' I said in a deadly tone.

_Do it, Pony. Give him a beating he won't_ _forget_, Leah said. I threw David across the bar. He knocked everyone's drinks over. I went to the side where he landed. I threw a couple of punches at him. No one helped him, they just watched. David did all kinds of things to people. This was their revenge;watching me beat the shit out of him.

I body slammed him on the ground. I kicked him int he ribs and stomach. His face was all bloody. It felt so good hitting him. I loved the pleasure it brought. I could do this all day.

He got up and threw a punch at me. I grabbed his arm and bent it back. He yelled. I had a feeling I broke it. I took out my switchblade and grabbed his chin. I cut him in the very same place that once Soc cut me when I was jumped a year ago. For the finale I grabbed him by the back of his head and slammed his face onto the bar. I thought he had enough when he coughed up blood. I stole a beer then left.

I was walking back to Clarissa's. On my way there I was stopped by Randy.

''Ponyboy, come here.''

''What is it, Randy?''

''I heard what ya did to David. I wanted to congratulate ya. He's been fuckin' with everyone ever since Bob died. It's 'bout time someone threw it back in his face, hard.''

''Where's the cocksucker now?''

''At the hospital.''

I smiled. I hurt him and I was proud of myself.

''Thanks Pony. Ya did me one.''

''I thought David was ya buddy.''

''He was,'' Randy started, ''but he had it out for me after I became a greaser.''

''I get it.''

''Well I should get goin'.''

''See ya, Randy.''

''Oh and I told Clarissa. I have a feelin' you're gunna get lucky tonight.''

I walked away and went to Clarissa's house. She was sitting on her bed. The minute I walked through the door she ran into my arms.

''Thanks Ponyboy.''

''He ain't gunna hurt ya no more.'' I kissed her head. She was holding on to me tight. She's a tough girl, but with her reaction to everything he got her bad.

''Thank God.''

''Clarissa, I have to leave.''

''I love you.''

I froze. Did she just say she loves me? I never heard a girl (besides my mother) say that to me. I liked Clarissa, I don't know if I love her ,though, but I said it any way.

''Love ya too.''

The voices chewed me up. _Are you really going to believe that? Why the hell would anyone love you? A worthless greaser whose only talent is ruining people's lives. Here's what will happen, you'll fuck around, she'll get pregnant, and you'll run out on her because you're nothing but a coward!_

''What do you know, Leah?You're just a bitch!''

_I'm telling you if you don't listen to me you'll kill someone else. Do you want that?_

I sighed, ''No.''

_Then shut up and listen. End it ,Ponyboy. End your life and everyone will be happy._

The moment when I walked through the front door Darry rose to his feet and got in my face.

''You were gone the whole day! Where were you?''

''Clarissa-''

''Is that the only place you go? Tell me right now what you did with her!''

''She was sick, God dammit! Mind your own business, Darry. Leave me alone! All you do is accuse me.''

''I swear to God, Ponyboy if she turns out pregnant I will throw you out of this house so fast your head will spin.''

''Go ahead! I'd be better off on my own anyhow.''

''Oh really? How.''

'' I'D KILL MYSELF! I'D HIDE AWAY AND END MY LIFE!'' I yelled at the top of my lungs. Darry's eyes went wide. I started to cry. Iran to my room and slammed the door shut. I climbed into the bed and cried myself to sleep. My nightly activity.


	11. Doctor call

I tossed and turned in my bed. After a long time I got up and looked at my clock. It was only five in the morning. I tried to fall asleep but it wouldn't happen. I got up and walked around the house. Darry and Soda were still sleeping. The only things going through my head was what I said to Darry last night. I threatened to kill myself. I wasn't sure if I meant it or not. I was just angry. I needed Leah or Aidans advice.

''Aidan, what should I do?''

_Go for a run or something. I got it! Cut yourself again. You could use a good scrapping. Or go out to he fountain._

''I'll do that,'' I told him. Before I left I grabbed my switchblade.

It was cold out. After all it was still winter. The ground around the fountain still had a couple blood stains on it. I looked at them. Soon there would be more stains, only it would be from my blood.

I sat down. The cold air was giving me goose bumps.

_Put the blade right by your wrists and cut. Deep and long cuts will do the job._

I pointed the blade right to my wrists. I dug it real deep inside. It had to have been two inches deep. I dragged it down. The pain was overwhelming. I ignored it and cut down to every vein. Blood was running down my arms and tot he ground. All I smelled was my blood.

I was cutting for about half an hour before I couldn't breathe. I was having a real hard time. My vision was becoming blurred and before I knew it I was in a whole new world of darkness.

**Randy Pov**

I drove down by the fountain. I always went there real early in the morning. It help cleared my head. Ever since Bob died I've been having a hard time finding myself. I parked by the swing set and made my way over by the fountain. I saw a red liquid coming from the other side of it. It was blood. I knew that. When I went over to see where it was coming from I saw something that would scar me for life. Ponyboy Curtis was laying down. He was unconscious. His arm was covered in blood. He was loosing am lot of it. Was he trying to kill himself? I didn't know. I picked him up, put him in my car, and drove tot he hospital. I hope I'll be able to save him.

**Darry Pov**

It was already six thirty a.m. when I woke up. Normally on a weekday I wake up earlier than that. I had a hard time sleeping after what Ponyboy said. It gave me nightmares. I went to Soda's room to see if he was in there. Soda was still asleep but Pony wasn't there. I figured he went for a run or something He usually does that. I was cooking breakfast when the phone rang. Who would be calling at this early of an hour? I picked up the phone.

''Is this Darrel Curtis speaking?'' a man asked.

''Yes.''

''We have your little brother, Ponyboy, I believe is his name.''

''Is he alright?''

''He was taken in this morning by his friend Randy Adderson. When he found him he was passed out on the floor with his wrists cut open. It looks as if your little brother attempted suicide.''

I was breathless. Ponyboy tried to kill himself again? I felt tears come to my eyes. How could he? It felt as if I was going to hyperventilate

''What's his condition?'' I asked.

''It doesn't look good. He cut pretty deep into his wrists. He's suffering from massive blood loss. We need you here with your other brother.''

''I'll be right there.''

I ran to Soda's room and grabbed him.

''Darry what's goin' on?''

''Soda, Pony tried to kill himself again. He's ain't doin' too good.''

Soda jumped to his feet.

''Darry tell me your lyin'. Pony wouldn't try that again, would he?''

''He did Soda. He's at the hospital right now. We have to get goin'.''

Soda and I ran outside tot he car. On the way ott he hospital I called Steve and Two-Bit. They could hardly talk after I told them. Soda threw up a multiple amount of times. I couldn't even talk. I lost my parents, Johnny, and Dally. Please not Ponyboy too. I couldn't take that. No one could.


	12. In the hospital

**Darry Pov**

I raced to the hospital. When I got there I parked the car and Soda and I ran in.

''Ponyboy Curtis. W-we need to see him. Pronto,'' I told the woman at the desk.

''He's in room 11. Let me get a nurse for you.''

A couple minutes later a nurse came out.

''You are Darrel and Sodapop Curtis, Ponyboy's brothers, correct?''

''Yes m'am.''

''Follow me.'' She took us to room 11. When she open the door for us we saw laying on his hospital bed with an IV machine giving him blood.

''Is he gunna be alright?''

''He did lose a significant amount of blood. We did stitch up his wrists. Other than that he should be okay.''

''Pony,'' Soda mussed while crying. I had been crying ever since I found out.

''Ponyboy, your brothers are here. Do you wanna speak to them?'' she asked while rocking Ponyboy.

''D-darry. S-soda. Where am I?''

''You're int he hospital little buddy.''

''Oh.'' He looked at his wrists. Realization filled his eyes.

''I'll let you all talk.'' The nurse left.

''Ponyboy, why? Why do you wanna end your life so bad?''

''It's my fault. I killed Johnny and Dally. I'm a murderer.''

''What are ya talkin' 'bout, Pony. You didn't do nothin'.''

''Yes I did. Leah and Aidan told me.''

''Who are they, sweetie.''

''The voices. They told me how I killed everyone, so for my punishment they told me to kill myself. Then everything will be equal.''

Me and Soda looked at each other. I've heard from a lot of places if you heard voices in your head you're considered crazy. I was afraid Pony was losing his mind. He lost mom and dad when he was thirteen, then he witnessed his closets friends die when he was fourteen. He already lost his virginity, and he's been taking drugs, it all makes sense. Ponyboy is way too young to be going through any of this. He can say all he wants, but he's still a kid. No child should have to go through all of the things he's went through.

''Ponyboy, ignore them! You didn't kill anyone. You need to live. The gang wouldn't get along without you. Wee need ya buddy!'' I yelled. He didn't answer.

''Pony, we'll be right back. Me and Darry gotta talk.'' Soda took us out of the room.

''Darry, what should we do 'bout him. If we don't help him he'll kill himself.

''I know. I think I'm gunna put him in a mental hospital.''

''What?''

''Soda I know that isn't the best place you would want Ponyboy to go to, but he needs it. He's been cutting, consuming drugs, hearing voices, starving himself. If we don't he will end up dead.''

''I know, Darry. When are we gunna put him in there?''

''After he gets out of the hospital.''

While we were int he haul way Steve, Two-Bit, and Randy came by us.

''Is he alright? Where's the kid?'' Steve asked sounding really worried.

''In there.'' They all went in. Pony just stared at them. His gray eyes focusing on all of their's.

''Pony, you okay?'' Two-Bit asked.

''Do I look like I'm alright? I don't know why I'm even breathing right now! Leah and Aidan told me I should die and I agree with them! I'm nothing but a worthless kid! I deserve to die.'' Soda cried, Steve looked like he was going to puke, Two-Bit turned white.

''Ponyboy don't say that!'' I screamed.

''Why? It's the truth and you all know it.''

''Pony, think 'bout it this way. Johnny died from burn injuries. Did you throw him into the church and turned your back on him when he was 'bout to die. Dally was shot. Did you push him in front of the cop who did it? No, you didn't. Therefore you didn't kill 'em,'' Steve said.

''Yeah Steve's right. Why exactly do ya feel responsible, Pony?'' Two-Bit asked.

''Because L-Leah and Aidan told me.''

''Who?'' Steve, Two-Bit, and Randy all asked.

''The voices. They tell me I'm responsible. They also tell me I'm a slut, fat, ugly, and they tell me to cut myself. I listen to them.''

''Pony why would you listen?''

''Because they run bad memories if I don't.''

''Ponyboy, that's not normal. You need help. Leah and Aidan are gunna be gone soon,'' Randy said.

''No! Don't take 'em! They help me!''

Everyone turned white. I couldn't believe Ponyboy just said that.

''Help you! They help you! The voices that tell you to kill yourself are considered helpful! Are you out of your mind?''

''Dar, you don't understand.''

A nurse came int he room.

''Okay only one person at a time. We can't overwhelm Ponyboy with all this yelling.'' All of us left. I glanced back at Pony. His eyes were expressionless. Like he wasn't even alive.

**Ponyboy Pov**

They don't get it. Lean and Aidan are right. I killed Johnny and Dally. I'm a murderer. I was sitting alone until Clarissa came in. Her eyes were red from crying and she looked...kind of sick. She walked up to me and gave me a hug that could surpass Darry's hugs.

''Oh Pony, I thought you were dead.''

''Are you okay? You look like you're sick?''

''Ponyboy, the minute I found out 'bout this I threw up. I'm sick because I'm worried you may die.''

''Claris, do you think it's my fault. About Johnny and Dally?''

''Pony, that's not true. You didn't kill anyone. Fuck what Leah and Aidan have to say! You're innocent.''

I thought about what everyone was telling me. The more I thought, the more I realized it really wasn't my fault. I'm not a murderer. I'm not a slut. I'm not ugly. I looked at my wrists. All those scars were there for nothing. I grew more pissed off when I thought about Leah and Aidan.

Clarissa put her head on my chest and I ran my hand through her hair. I actually was starting to love her.

''Ponyboy, I love you.''

''I love ya too, baby.''

''Clarissa, it's not my fault.''

''That's what we've been trying to tell you.''

''Oh and Clarissa.''

''Yeah?''

''Can ya get me some food. I'm starvin'.''

''Sure.''

I laid in the hospital bed and did something I haven't done in a while. I smiled.


	13. The voices are my imagination?

**Ponyboy Pov**

I looked out my window and drowned in my thoughts. I was getting out of the hospital tomorrow, but until then a doctor is coming in to talk to me about my voices. Darry and Soda said I may have to go to an insane asylum. They think I'm crazy.

_You_ _are, _Aidan told me. I tuned him out. I'm sick of he and Leah ridiculing me. It gets old to have embodied voices trying to get you to kill yourself. A doctor then came in the room.

''Hello Ponyboy, I'm Doctor Norris.''

''Hi.''

''Now I heard from the other doctors you hear voices in your head. Can you explain that for me?''

''Well I hear voices, does that make me crazy?''

''Of course it doesn't. Everyone has a voice int heir head-their conscious. Does that make everybody crazy?''

''No.''

''There you go. Now these voices tell you things. What would that be?''

''hey say that it's my fault that Johnny and Dally died. They told me to do drugs, and to cut myself, and to kill myself.''

''Do you listen to these voices?''

''Yeah, I do.''

''Why?''

''Because I feel they're right. I killed people and I need to be punished.''

''You killed no one. If you did you would be in prison.''

''Not that kind of kill doc.''

''Then what do you mean by the word kill?''

''Well, I ran away d took Johnny with me. He killed someone because I was slutting around with his girlfriend. Then there was this fire. I went in and Johnny went after me. If wouldn't have gone in he would be alive, and Dally wouldn't have committed suicide.''

''But if he wouldn't have done those things you would be the dead one.''

''The voices told me that's what should have happened.''

''Have you identified these voices?''

''Yeah. Leah and Aidan.''

''What does Lean tell you?''

''To kill myself, to cut myself, that I'm a murderer and I deserve to die. I need to starve to death, I'm a slut. The list goes on and one.''

''What about Aidan.''

''He told me to snort cocaine and smoke weed. He also told me to sleep with my girlfriend and to beat other people up.''

''What you ever laid your hands on anyone?''

''Yeah. This guy jumped my girlfriend and to get back at him I attacked him. After that I wanted to do it again. It felt amazing.'' The doctor wrote things on his notepad. He looked terrified of me. I didn't blame him.

''Ponyboy, I think the problem is your living in the past. You need to move on. The voices are the result of you being angry at yourself. You don't understand the fact that you are not the cause of your friends' deaths. You put all the blame on yourself and with you being so young you don't look for another solution.''

''Doctor Norris, how do I learn to accept the fact I didn't do it. I don't want to believe this anymore. I know I didn't kill anyone. Leah and Aidan are driving me crazy.''

''You need to ignore Leah and Aidan. They are apart of your imagination. They are not real. If you don't acknowledge them you will learn to stop imagining them taunting you. They will go away when you learn to accept the fact you are an innocent boy.''

''Doctor, I'm not innocent. I've done so many things kids my age shouldn't do. I'm fourteen and I already lost my virginity. I'm on drugs!'' I started to cry. I couldn't take much more of this.

''Ponyboy, do you feel you have any addictions?''

''Yes.''

''What are they?''

''Drugs, hurting myself, drinking, starving.''

''I think once you go tot he asylum you have some rehab sessions. If you don't stop you could overdose. How many drugs do you usually consume at once?''

''A lot.''

''Do you take pills?''

''Yes. Sleeping pills. I took a whole bottle one time.''

''Do you do these pills. If yes, then are your brothers aware?''

''Yes, I do. They have no idea. No one does.''

''Alright.'' He wrote down more things on his notebook and left. I rolled over in my bed and cried a fucking river. I was so stressed out. Darry's gonna blow a fuse when he finds out about the pills. God only knows what's going on with Clarissa. I have to go to the asylum and rehab? How did this happen.

_Stay gold Ponyboy, stay gold_. Johnny's word rang in my ears. I'm not gold. I'm gray and sad. A dark cloud hangs over me. I've really disappointed everyone. Leah and Aidan aren't apart of my imagination. They're real and will be apart of me forever.


End file.
